The Letter I wrote to God.

Dear Pop,


Hey, it's me. Adam. I guess you already knew that. So, how are things? Things are fair down here. Again, you probably knew that already. I 'm writing you, Lord, because I'm stuck. I feel trapped in more ways than one and I'm not sure how to break free, so to speak.

I feel trapped in my life. I'm working two jobs just to have food money. I do the same things everyday with no sign of stopping. I have many bad habits, most of which are bad, and I have no urge to break them. I can hardly stay in the same room with half the people I live with, and I'm sure they feel the same. I grow increasingly weary of those around me, thinking they're just dragging me down. My faith in the opposite sex has also dropped a great deal. I find that most of the women I encounter are only enticed by the aesthetic. I mean, I not that bad looking, but, apparently, my long eyelashes and average smile do not make up for the fact that washboard abs and a BMW are not in my possession. I even moved hundreds of miles away to see if this flawed reasoning would go away. As it turns out, the further you get to the Mexican border, the worse it gets.

I miss the things I had just a few years ago. I miss the friends who always held me up when I fell.
I miss the days when we would perform for twenty people in a coffeehouse. I sometimes find myself not sleeping a wink because I can't stop thinking of those days in a wood stove heated house, sharing brownies and talking scripture. I miss the company of certain individuals who never judged me(or at least never told me, which is a help in itself). More importantly, I miss the conversations I had with you when all this was done. We haven't talked in a while, which is why I started this letter, but you already knew that. :)

Here's the thing. I think back to those days and find myself asking what has changed since then. I mean, I know life goes on, but how does one hitch a ride so as not to be left behind? I see others around me living (what appears to be) such happy, fruitful lives. I see the marriages, the kids, the degrees, the good times, even the bad times which always seem to work out. I see them and ask myself " Where do I get some of those?" Well, after asking myself that recently, i came up with an answer. It could very well be the time where I felt the most stupid, since the answer has been right in front of me from the age of seventeen. I stopped asking and started praying. That's right God, I called to you, but you already knew that.:)

I called to you because you were the one thing that had changed. Rather, my relationship with you had changed. See, once I had all those things I now covet, I forgot about you. I forgot about the one who let me have those beautiful times, people, and friendships. I forgot, and just as it always has happened, I slowly lost them. I tried to hang on those everything with no help from you, and I stumbled, dropping it all. I shunned your help when I tried to pick up the pieces, and subsequently, I was never able to pick them all up again. I went through so much pain and heartache as, one by one, they all faded away. I would lay awake at night crying because I was so angry at you for allowing this to happen. Why, God? Why did I deserve this? Huh? I finally became so upset and heartbroken that I said this:

" You know what? I don't need you! You hear me? I'm done!"

Well, as you can tell, that could have possibly been the biggest mistake of my life. After that, I spent far too long living for myself. Almost a slave to myself. Trapped, I guess you could say. The world and all the crap it had to offer was in me and I liked it, at least that's what I thought. The more happy I thought I was, the more I would lay sleepless at night. I still longed for the past and the blessings you gave me, the same ones that I self-destructed out of vengeance. I tried everything to get rid of the pain. I'd tell you what they are, but one of the perks to being all knowing is that I don't have to.

This kept on and on and on and on...until tonight. Tonight was the night when I gave up, Lord. Tonight was the first time in a LONG time I finally saw what actually happened...and I'm so sorry. I now know how foolish I was. How could I push away the one that gives me the strength TO push? The one that blessed me with so much? I'll tell you how. I'm human, and if what you say is true(and I know it is, that wasn't me doubting), than I'm imperfect by birth. I was done from jump street. I was never able to handle this on my own, and I was the only one who didn't see it...

So Lord, I'm asking you to help me out. I hope you can forgive me and see fit to accept my request, because honestly, you're all I've got.:) Help me to pick up the pieces. Not the ones I dropped a few years ago, but the pieces I need to move on, through you. Give me the help I need to walk away from what I'm doing and who I am. Help me see what it is YOU want me to be and guide my steps toward it. I'm pleading to you Pop! I'm not done! I should've never walked away! Just please, don't say " I told you so." Just kidding Lord.:)

I'll end this letter with this. You are my light when I can't see. You're the father that this world didn't want me to have. You've always been there for me, even when I didn't want you there for me. Now that I see you, I can never leave you...I JUST CAN'T.

I love you Pop. Say hi to Grandma, Grandpa, and Tio Tony for me. I can't wait to tell them how my life went after this letter!

Love you Dad.
Your son,

Adam

PS: Do you think you could help me get a wife before thirty? I just don't wanna be past that age and still dating. Kinda creepy. Whatever you're cool with though, no pressure.



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