When Life hands you lemons...

Hello all.

How are ya? Man, it's been a LONG while since I've done this, but here I am again. Typing away when I should be asleep. See kids, lately my drive to write has been set in neutral, and needed something to shift the gears, so to speak. Whether it was a gas of a good time, a car wreck of a relationship, or some other life experience compared to a bad car reference. In this case, it was something unexpected. Not quite like a deer in the road, and not like finding twenty bucks in your glove compartment either. It was more like realizing you been driving with the emergency brake on for the past hundred miles, yet aren't sure if you wanna release it because you've grown accustom to the way the car handles with it engaged.

I recently found out something that shocked me a bit. It was comparable to the last day of school when you come to terms with the fact that you won't walk the halls anymore. Or, when you quit a job you love, and look at your name tag for the last time. In a more simple way of speaking, when you realize the life you had ten minutes ago is now gone. More importantly, if it isn't gone, you HAVE to let it go. Otherwise, you'll...crash, for lack of a better term. Such is the state I'm in now. I have (as recent as a half an hour ago) have been made aware of something that gave me a whole trail mix of emotions.

I'm sad. I really want to cry.

I'm also so kinda happy. I have a sense of closure. It might not be the kind I wanted, but it's still closure none the less.

I'm a bit hopefull. I fina;;y might be able to get these stale feelings I've had for so long to leave for good.

Lastly...

I'm numb. I know, I just said I was feeling all those other things, but hear me out. I feel so overwhelmed with emotions, that I've just become numb with it all. I can't explain it more than that.

Now, you may be asking yourself " How is this blog different from all of his other Emo infested blogs?". Your answer is this:

I now fully realize that I CAN'T live in the past anymore! I seriously can't! In a way, it's killing me. In almost everthing I do, I find some way to compare it to past experiences in a judgmental way.From work, to relationships, to my family life. It's been this way since...well...November 1st, 2005. There's a reason I remember the date. It had to do with a wrestling Pay-Per-View, a rainstorm, and two kids in a grey/black Ford ranger, one was hurt and wounded, and the other was confused, angry, and scared.

Usually, when I'm done writing these blogs, I end up feeling different. If not better, than at least more clear in the head. I don't feel the same with this one. Don't ask me why, I just don't. Hard to say the reason, really. I just don't. It's kind of a new concept for me, but I'll work with it.

So that's it. I don't have much else to say, and there's an opening shift at work begging me to get some sleep. I'll see you guys around. Remember this:

" I can do all things, through Christ, who strengthens me."
Phil 4:13

Later
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A Break From The Gloom

Hello, how be's it? So, I noticed that my last few posts were on the depressing side. Actually, I didn't really notice until my beloved Amigo K-roKK alerted me to the fact that my blogs were more emo than a pair of Macbeth shoes. I have since decided to lighten things up a smidgen or two. Here it goes.:)

Thanksgiving was awesome! I got to spend it with one of my closest friends, Alex A.K.A Grande! I love that guy. The way we picked up was so seamless, you couldn't tell we hadn't seen each other in two years. Se kids, that's called true friendship. I ate dinner with his family (who were awesome), slept in a multi- million dollar house (also awesome) and got schooled in Texas Hold 'Em (sucky, yet still kinda awesome). All and all, a great holiday to say the least.

On top of all that, I get to spend Christmas with my family. To most, that seems pretty ordinary, but when your family lives roughly 800 miles away, it can be a daunting task to see them. Man, I remember one Christmas morning, we went to Denny's, and were so loud that people left! That's just how we do's it baby!

Lastly, I'm happy I finally found a place to live in Los Angeles. After I'm done with Santa Barbara, I'm on my way to Burbank to live with My buddy Alex. I'm beyond stoked. :) I mean, trying to be an actor is tough(except for certain lucky individuals...grrrrrr) but having one of my best friends, nay, my wing man by my side will prove to be an uplifting and pleasant element for sure.

Well, that's all for now. I hope this dose of three quarter Mexican goodness was worth the read. See ya folks.

PEACE,

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The Maze Of You and I

" I struggle with a lot of things in my life. My faith. Love. The acceptance of others.All the stuff that makes life worth living. I read this one day and, for some reason, it helped me. It's kinda morose, but I like it. So, I decided to post it. Have at it." - Adam

"The Maze of you and I"


You. You are the love of my life. You ARE the bane of my existence. You helped me through one of the stages of being a man, then you threw me down into the worst heartbreak I've ever felt.
You brought me so much Joy. Your eyes would glow when I came into the room. I never understood why, but I was always glad you did. You said you loved me, and you meant it. You wanted to be with me, and you meant it. You were the only one for me, and I meant it.
You’ve brought me so much pain. Your eyes were empty when you looked at me, then you looked away. I understood why…to an extent. You never quite looked at me the same after a while, and I was so sad you didn’t.

You are the one I NEED. You are the one person, the one thought, the one dream that I can’t seem to get out of my head. At least once a day, I think of YOU. I rarely ever cross your mind. I can’t stand to think of you, yet I get scared when I forget parts of you. You were so perfect that it scared me. I was so close that it scared you.
You are the one thing that I feel I need to be a better man. You are my angel, my sanity. You are the one thing keeping me from being My OWN man. You’re my albatross, my insanity incarnate. You are both of these and I can’t decide which is truth.
You’re the reason I strive to better myself. You’re the reason I push, and push, and push till I can’t move. Thinking of you makes me reach higher. Talk longer. You bring the Joy to my aspirations. Sometimes, it seems that all that I work, all that I hope to accomplish , is so I have something to share with you at the end of the day. You are why I want to succeed.
You’re the one I hope to prove wrong. You’re the person I want to look at, when all is said and done, say

“ I did it without you.”

You are the one thing that haunts me. The force that chases me, so I have no other choice but to move forward, away from you. Seeing you looking down at me is my greatest fear and my darkest anger. I will die before that happens.

I will never be the one you want. I will never know why…because you have and will never produce the words to tell me. I was your greatest mistake, in all meanings of the word. I will never accept the blame for the walls you put up, but I know it’s all my fault.
You will always be the one I want. You will be my one greatest desire, even when It feels that you’re the last thing I should have. You’re so beautiful and all my thoughts about you are ugly. I hope you fall from grace only so I can catch you and put you back on the pillar where you rightfully belong. I hope you experience pain in your life, yet I have the urge to eliminate ANYONE who might harm you!

When I think of you, I hurt. When you cross my mind, I smile. My heart hurts, my face beams, my fists clench, and my arms open, all at the same time. You drain my spirit. You enrich my soul. You have made me the man I am proud to be. You helped instill in me the very qualities and emotions I guide myself with.


You helped build the monster I have become. Your cold demeanor and your emotionless stance scorned me to the point of no return. You calloused my love for others. You leathered my skin. You took me to the depths and left me for dead. You broke me.

You…thank you. After all this is said, that is what I tell you. You showed me up. You shoved me down. You brought me hate, love, malice, envy, joy, elation…beautiful chaos. Good or bad, you have served as my muse, my one true inspiration. Whether it’s for right or wrong, I move onward because of you.

The Beatings Of A Dead Horse

So, I think I've come to the realization that I'm socially inept. I mean, I like to think of myself as an alright guy. I take care of myself, I have two, count em, two jobs, and I was blessed by my mother with a great moral code. I try to be respectful to others, and I really don't have any self-habits to speak of. So it boggles my mind when I find out that I'm an outcast in most social situations. Apparently, the most important thing to know in any social gathering, whether with friends or the opposite sex, is to never show ANY of the a fore mentioned qualities. Instead, one must be as close to the norm as possible. So, if you live in a college town such as I do, you must wear a track suit, head band, and call everyone bro. Also, you have to roll with ten other dudes who look exactly like you, smell of Aqua Di Gio and Mickey's, and all hit on the same girl at once. Further more, one must also act as much of a jerk and/or tool as possible. These are the only ways of operation. No others are accepted.

OK. Now that I've got that outta the way, here's where I stand. Now, I know some of you reading this might think I beating a dead horse, but at this point I really don't care. I'm gonna say it like this. I flat out refuse to be that kind guy. Sorry, that just isn't me. I might sound soft, a little pansy like, but in the words of Cypress Hill, "I ain't goin' out like that"! I'm a man, and I know how to act like one. I'm not a trust fund baby who never had to go without. No sir, I remember all the times when all we had to eat was chorizo and tortillas. I remember when , instead of new shoes, I got my cousins old sneakers for the first day of school. I also remember going to food banks to get free food because the bills were too high that month. That type of upbringing, along with a good mother and older brother, caused me to be the man that I am today, and I refuse to let a flawed social system change me. That's that. You can keep your sweatbands. Keep your frat houses. Keep your forty ounces of Mickey's. I'll just be here with my dreams, my family, and my friends who have my back, even when the keg is tapped and the sorority girls have gone.

I know I sound angry, and I am, at least a little. Suffice it to say that I've just grown tired of some of those around me and decided to vent via keyboard. I think that's all for now.

Holla.

@

The Letter I wrote to God.

Dear Pop,


Hey, it's me. Adam. I guess you already knew that. So, how are things? Things are fair down here. Again, you probably knew that already. I 'm writing you, Lord, because I'm stuck. I feel trapped in more ways than one and I'm not sure how to break free, so to speak.

I feel trapped in my life. I'm working two jobs just to have food money. I do the same things everyday with no sign of stopping. I have many bad habits, most of which are bad, and I have no urge to break them. I can hardly stay in the same room with half the people I live with, and I'm sure they feel the same. I grow increasingly weary of those around me, thinking they're just dragging me down. My faith in the opposite sex has also dropped a great deal. I find that most of the women I encounter are only enticed by the aesthetic. I mean, I not that bad looking, but, apparently, my long eyelashes and average smile do not make up for the fact that washboard abs and a BMW are not in my possession. I even moved hundreds of miles away to see if this flawed reasoning would go away. As it turns out, the further you get to the Mexican border, the worse it gets.

I miss the things I had just a few years ago. I miss the friends who always held me up when I fell.
I miss the days when we would perform for twenty people in a coffeehouse. I sometimes find myself not sleeping a wink because I can't stop thinking of those days in a wood stove heated house, sharing brownies and talking scripture. I miss the company of certain individuals who never judged me(or at least never told me, which is a help in itself). More importantly, I miss the conversations I had with you when all this was done. We haven't talked in a while, which is why I started this letter, but you already knew that. :)

Here's the thing. I think back to those days and find myself asking what has changed since then. I mean, I know life goes on, but how does one hitch a ride so as not to be left behind? I see others around me living (what appears to be) such happy, fruitful lives. I see the marriages, the kids, the degrees, the good times, even the bad times which always seem to work out. I see them and ask myself " Where do I get some of those?" Well, after asking myself that recently, i came up with an answer. It could very well be the time where I felt the most stupid, since the answer has been right in front of me from the age of seventeen. I stopped asking and started praying. That's right God, I called to you, but you already knew that.:)

I called to you because you were the one thing that had changed. Rather, my relationship with you had changed. See, once I had all those things I now covet, I forgot about you. I forgot about the one who let me have those beautiful times, people, and friendships. I forgot, and just as it always has happened, I slowly lost them. I tried to hang on those everything with no help from you, and I stumbled, dropping it all. I shunned your help when I tried to pick up the pieces, and subsequently, I was never able to pick them all up again. I went through so much pain and heartache as, one by one, they all faded away. I would lay awake at night crying because I was so angry at you for allowing this to happen. Why, God? Why did I deserve this? Huh? I finally became so upset and heartbroken that I said this:

" You know what? I don't need you! You hear me? I'm done!"

Well, as you can tell, that could have possibly been the biggest mistake of my life. After that, I spent far too long living for myself. Almost a slave to myself. Trapped, I guess you could say. The world and all the crap it had to offer was in me and I liked it, at least that's what I thought. The more happy I thought I was, the more I would lay sleepless at night. I still longed for the past and the blessings you gave me, the same ones that I self-destructed out of vengeance. I tried everything to get rid of the pain. I'd tell you what they are, but one of the perks to being all knowing is that I don't have to.

This kept on and on and on and on...until tonight. Tonight was the night when I gave up, Lord. Tonight was the first time in a LONG time I finally saw what actually happened...and I'm so sorry. I now know how foolish I was. How could I push away the one that gives me the strength TO push? The one that blessed me with so much? I'll tell you how. I'm human, and if what you say is true(and I know it is, that wasn't me doubting), than I'm imperfect by birth. I was done from jump street. I was never able to handle this on my own, and I was the only one who didn't see it...

So Lord, I'm asking you to help me out. I hope you can forgive me and see fit to accept my request, because honestly, you're all I've got.:) Help me to pick up the pieces. Not the ones I dropped a few years ago, but the pieces I need to move on, through you. Give me the help I need to walk away from what I'm doing and who I am. Help me see what it is YOU want me to be and guide my steps toward it. I'm pleading to you Pop! I'm not done! I should've never walked away! Just please, don't say " I told you so." Just kidding Lord.:)

I'll end this letter with this. You are my light when I can't see. You're the father that this world didn't want me to have. You've always been there for me, even when I didn't want you there for me. Now that I see you, I can never leave you...I JUST CAN'T.

I love you Pop. Say hi to Grandma, Grandpa, and Tio Tony for me. I can't wait to tell them how my life went after this letter!

Love you Dad.
Your son,

Adam

PS: Do you think you could help me get a wife before thirty? I just don't wanna be past that age and still dating. Kinda creepy. Whatever you're cool with though, no pressure.



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An Old School Mentality

I have an old school type of mentality. I feel like when you go to a party, you're there to have a good time. You wanna dance. You wanna drink a little something. You wanna see about that girl you've been trying to holler at since she came thru your register at work! Mostly, you just wanna forget about the crap that you have to deal with Monday thru Thursday. So, when Friday rolls around, you just let it go. See, that's how I think. Just let it out. I'm slowly figuring out though that it seems to be a fleeting trend.

Now a days, the trends seems to be a little different. The way I see it, if someone asks you to dance, it's a compliment. Either you except it or you don't. Either way, you should feel good about it and let that fuel the good vibes for the rest of the night. Someone thought you were cute, or just thought you looked like a good dancer. That's a win/win! Fast forward to modern times. Instead of going out and dancing with a guy or girl, the thing to do now is to make the person who asked you to dance feel like absolute crap for even ASKING you to dance, let alone expecting them to say yes! You're just sitting there:

" Hey, would you like to dance?"

Nothing. What? They already don't want to dance with you, what makes you think they're gonna acknowledge your feeble existence the first time you ask?

' I'm sorry, I guess I didn't hear you. This music is pretty loud. Wanna come with me for a bit?"

This time, She turns to you like you just said the dumbest thing in the world. Like you wanted to recruit Vern Troyer to the Lakers or something! She turns her head around and looks at you. The look on her face seems to say that she'd rather receive a root canal via a rusty fork from an orthodontist with Parkinson's disease then do the Humpty Dance with you on 80's night.

" …heh , I heard you. I just chose not to respond. Goodbye."

Ouch. Hold up, let me say that again…ouch. THIS IS THE POINT WHERE THE GOOD VIBES OF THE NIGHT HAVE HAD THEIR HINDPARTS HANDED TO THEM BY THE TWO BULLIES OF THE SCHOOL OF POST ADOLESCENCE DATING: SHAME AND REJECTION.

Another thing that I've noticed is the need to consume every intoxicant in sight. Now, I'm not gonna be a hypocrite on this one, I don't mind a drink once in a while, but I just never got the point to imbibe enough alcohol to jump start a Harley. What I hate worse is the fact that most girls EXPECT the guy to buy them to drink. WHAT! Answer me this question sweetie. What reason, other than an blown opinion of yourself and the boots you spent your rent money on, did you give me to buy you another drink in the first place? Again, I have a bit of an old school mentality. I feel that when you buy someone a drink, it's because you took a liking to them. Maybe it was there smile. Maybe it was those ugly, over priced boots. How in the Helen of troy do you come to expect a drink just because some one says hi? C'mon now! Tell you what, instead of buying you a watered down, overpriced appletini, I'll just give you the ten dollars to help you save up to buy some class. I guess that's just where my way of thinking clashes with modern times. I want a girl with class. That might be a bit old school. Maybe even a foreign concept to some, but that's just how I think.

I know what some of you might be thinking. How can you say that? You're just bitter because those girls made you buy her a drink. You're just cheap, that's all.

Uh…YEAH!!!

I HAVE BILLS AND STUFF MAMA!!! I'm not supposed to be out in the first place, budget wise! All I'm saying is if I have to buy a drink to say hello, lord knows what I'll have to spend if I keep socializing with this chick! I'm just thinking fiscally, that's all J

Now ladies, don't think I'm gender biased. I know you guys have it hard. Remember, I'm a man, I know how dumb we are! Even guys reading this right now are nodding there head saying " Yeah, he has a point. We're gonna have to stomp him in a dark alley for saying it, but he has a point."

I know you ladies are sick of half drunk dudes in sport coat/hoodie combinations asking you in a half drunken voice if you listen to The Arcade Fire. Then, in the same breath, asking you if you wanna go to his room "just to talk". You're sick of frat boy d-bags in neon green headbands and shutter shades who smell like Pabts Blue Ribbon quoting the new Soulja Boy track. You've had it with guys vomiting on your bed because they couldn't find the bathroom, while the whole while saying how they're pre-med .

Here's my advice. Stop looking for your dream guy at a mixer! Guaranteed, all you'll find is board shorts and bong water. Unless you're in to that type of thing, then live it up. However, if that isn't your thing, than do like me and start thinking with an old school mentality. Live everyday to the fullest and trust in yourself. I promise you that if you do that, all the resin and the guys that smoke it will soon fade away.

So, as I close up shop for the night, let me leave you with this. One of life's simplest truths is this: you get what you give. If you don't want a girl who expects you to throw down money like Diddy, than stop buying ten Gin and Tonics a night just to get a girl to look at you! On the flipside , if you're sick of faux surfer jack holes grabbing on you at a party, than take into the account that they're attracted to girls who do keg stands and drunkenly sing Gretchen Wilson songs at the top of their lungs! With that, I'll see you guys later. I have to go to this party. I met a really cool girl last week. I bought her(and her friends) Mojitos and she said I was sweet! She invited me to this party and man I'm stoked! I mean, I have to park all the cars and make sure everyone's coats are in safe order, but still! She digs me, although She did think I was Carlos Mencia for a while……



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A journey thru the MP3 grapevine

Hello everyone. It's me, every one's favorite chatterbox of Mexican decent.

So, I had this urge to write again. If anyone read my last blog, this next sentence is for you.

YES. I DID WIN THE FIGHT AT THE FLAGPOLE. THE THING IS, THE CREATURE WITH THE ITCH TO WRITE BIT ME IN THE NECK, NOW I'M INFECTED FOR GOOD. CRAP.

Anyway, I've been thinking. As I was looking at the calender, i noticed that my birthday was coming up ( March 20Th for those who choose not to acknowledge those ever so annoying MySpace birthday updates). I had actually forgot that I was turning twenty three this month. I've just been busy with stuff like moving, finding a job, and writing my soon to be comedy act. As I looked at Matt's Spiderman calender, I started to think.Where has my life taken me? More so, who was the guy in the passenger seat for this particular trip? By that, I mean me. C'mon people, keep up. I started to think about myself and who I was. A bit cliche', sure. That doesn't make it any less significant though. I started to contemplate who I was and what I had to offer this spinning rock we live on.
As I was looking at this calender, and the picture of Spiderman fighting The Hulk, I realized that I still had my headphones on and the sounds of Mos Def and Talib Kwali had become silenced by my thoughts. Suddenly, I had this urge to surf my MP3 player. I went from Black Star to Hawk Nelson. From Jay-Z to Bill Withers. Then Seether. Spring Awakening. Madd Caddies. Lily Allen. Jamie Cullum. Metallica. Allison Krause. Mary J. Blige. Imogen Heep. War. The Beatles( for this I am ashamed). Marvin Gaye. Various WWE songs and entrance themes. I stopped on Green Day. The song: When I come Around.
I like this song. It's good, but the notes aren't why I enjoy it. Every time I hear the song I think about the video. It's just Billie Joe, Mike, and Tre' walking on the sidewalk passing people. I always thought that was what a lot of us go through. You know what I'm talking about. Those times when all we want to do is walk and observe the world around us. Some of us do it with the aide of a mocha, an umbrella in the summer, or in my case, n MP3 player and a good set of headphones.
I tend to do this a lot. Even when I had a car, often time I would fore go the convenience of a v6 and a heater, and just walk to my destination. I would drown the world out and dissappear in a world soundtracked by Dr.Dre, The O.C. Supertones and The Fray. Nothing would matter for the ten minutes it took me to get from my place to Round Table, or where ever I was going. I would just walk down the snow covered sidewalk, try not to slip, and nod at everyone going the opposite direction. For some reason, I would always have a smile on my face.

So, back to Spidey and my birthday. As I thought about all the things I'd done, I noticed that I always seemed to think about the stuff I HADN'T done. Become a successful actor. Work for more than Minimum wage. Been a good boyfriend ( on numerous occasions. I find that, most of the time, I'm my own worst enemy in these situations). It had gotten so bad that I wouldn't sleep at night would go for two days without a wink. It was bad.
As Two of Marvel's greatest Heroes stood prone on the wall, locked in combat, I started to...well....let's just say I gave myself the equivalent of a Rudy Ray Moore as Dolomite pimpslap to the my proverbial woman of ill repute. Who did I think I was? WHINING THE WAY I HAD BEEN?! Had I forgotten the things that God had Chosen to bless me with? The family. The friends. The great time with both? C'mon now! Suck it up beaner!

Here's what I came up with.

As I started this blog, I said I was wondering who I was. This is the culmination of all the ramblings and superheroes of this blog. I am Adam James Martinez. I am a Performer. It's in my blood, my soul, my very being. I owe so many of my fondest memories to what I do. From meeting a girl who changed my life forever (remember that time in the truck when , at first, you thought I didn't mean it...) to spending half the night in a rainy, walmart parking lot trying to fix the electricity on a horse trailer carrying you the set for a show that involved rats and homoerotic farm hands( don't ask.). I have spent countless nights painting a set that might not have been done on time otherwise. I've gone to the lake at two am with a face full of stage make up, a six pack, and the urge to relax while braving the cold water .More importantly, I've shared the good and bad with all my friends behind the curtain and on the stage.

I'm also Adam, a loud mouthed kid from the mountains with a vivid imagination and a lack of drive. The perfect mixture for an artsy Molotov cocktail. I was blessed with a stable job and home for four years. All the experiences in the "square chair" gave me the fuel to fill the bottle and the match to decimate whatever came my way.

Lastly, and most important, I'm Adam. Just Adam. I'm a brother and a son to the best family a boy could ever have.How many families do you know that can say there gonna kill you and not have to go to group therapy, huh? That's my clan! My family has been so supportive in all that I do, and very eager to deflate me when I head gets swollen with a pompous mix of helium and self pride. I'll love them dearly for the rest of my days.
As a sort of nightcap, I also offer this. My name is Adam. I'm just a guy who wants to see those around him happy. I get joy from the smile a girl gets when I hit on her in a cheesy way or say she's beautiful because I saw her crying earlier. I'm that guy who will tell you when you're being dumb, but let you know that's natural and not to sweat it. I'm that guy who loves intelligent lyricist like Mos Def and Talib Kweli, but will laugh his tail off while Watching Dumb And Dumber (HARRY...I TOOK CARED OF IT! HAHAHA) I'll love those who show me love, and I'll always be that crying shoulder for those who need. For real.

I guess that's it. I'm sure I lost a few of you along the way, and that's to be expected. For those who stuck around the whole time, thanks for going the long haul with me. I just had to get these thought out.
Well, I think it's time I end this anti-climatic tyraid. If you need me, I'll be the guy walking down the street with his headphones on, rocking out to Stevie Wonder with a smile on his face.

PEACE


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